why i’m breaking up with albolene
every bator recognizes the white plastic tub with the blue lid – albolene, the “cold cream” that gets used on more dicks than faces. for as long as i can rememeber, it’s been the go-to lube for bators when we’re getting handsy with ourselves.
recently, the butters hygenics company reached out to me and said they’d like to send me a tub of their “palm grease” in exchange for an honest, online review. of course i said yes, and i truthfully thought it would be nice and i would probably like it, but didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.
boy was i wrong. palm grease is hands-down (pun intended) the best bate lube i’ve tried and it’s so much better than albolene that i’m breaking up with albolene forever! i only occasionally use any sort of lube for masturbation and have noticed that since i first tried the palm grease, i’m reaching for it more than i ever did with albolene.
what makes it so great?! lots of things – in fact, 8 very specific things that i’ll talk about here:
- IT FEELS GREAT. I don’t often reach for lube for jerking off because I like a fair amount of friction. Too slippery and I can’t keep it up and I feel gross. Palm Grease has the perfect balance of slide you want to prevent rubbing yourself raw (especially if you’re into marathon sessions) while giving you the friction you want to stimulate yourself properly.
- IT LASTS A LONG TIME AND DOESN’T FEEL OILY OR WAXY. When you’re reaching for something to give a little slide to your bate, you want it to stay on and last long enough that you’re not constantly reaching for more. Palm grease has a nice thick consistency that melts just enough to give you that slide/friction balance and it doesn’t dry up, run off, or rub in too fast. After you’re done using it, you don’t feel oily or waxy like you do with albolene because there are no petroleum distallates or waxes. It wipes up easily and leaves your skin feeling moisturized, not slimy.
- IT DOESN’T GET GRITTY. Use it as long as you want and it stays slick, smooth, and evenly textured. I’m not sure exactly why, but I don’t care because being able to keep bating and keep bating without those annoying little grits is a plus to me.
- IT’S COMPATIBLE WITH (ALMOST) EVERYTHING. It seems like the more variety you want in your sex life, the more lubes you have to get. This one works well with every sort of material except latex. That includes silicone, glass, metal, nitrile, polyurethane, and PVC. It’s also not just a lube for bators and can be used for things like fisting! I’m all about the all-purposeness and happy to not have to have 18 kinds of lube for each toy or activity.
- IT’S LESS EXPENSIVE THAN ALBOLENE. I believe in spending money for quality, but I don’t believe in spending more than I need to. Palm grease is much less expensive than Albolene and it’s a better product for what you’re using it for.
- IT COMES IN A FLIP TOP TUB. It might seem like a small detail, but ask anyone who’s tried to manage anything with slippery hands and you know the easier it is to open and close, the better. The flip top means that you can open and close the jar with one hand, instead of having to use two hands to screw off a lid. You can imagine that when you’re in the middle of things, being able to keep going with one hand while reloading your lube with the other is the way to go.
- IT’S 100% VEGAN. Palm grease has 3 simple ingredients and like all products from The Butters Hygenics Company, it’s 100% vegan. This means that no animals are harmed or used in making or testing this product. Like it or not, using plants as much as possible is not only healthier for your body, it’s also more sustainable, uses fewer resources, and pollutes less. It also contains no petroleum products or chemical stablizers or lubricants. You literally can eat it! (Don’t, though – it’s not bad, but it’s not tasty. It’s just nice to know if/when you get some in your mouth, it’s not gonna harm you.)
- THE BUTTERS HYGENICS COMPANY IS A BLACK QUEER OWNED SMALL BUSINESS. Systemic racism and homophobia have disadvantaged black and queer folks for too long. For me, any chance I get to support small businesses, particularly those that are owned by folks who are not white men, I want to take. The folks who make Albolene have enough money. It’s time for other people to thrive in business. I’ll be honest and say I haven’t tried any of their products aside from Palm Grease yet, but if their products are as excellent as Palm Grease, I can’t see why to use anything else and I predict that TBHCo isn’t going to be “small business” for long.
i want to be very clear – the butters simply asked me for a quick review on twitter, which i did. they did not pay me or ask for this article, i am simply moved to write it because i’ve had an excellent experience with the palm grease and i want people to know more about it than my 30 second review.